I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
