I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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