I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
