i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
