he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
