gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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