Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
