you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
