Moan for me like Helen Keller
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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