After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
