If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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