this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
