I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
