This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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