I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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