Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
