Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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