nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
