that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
