Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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