He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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