Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I think I am morally bankrupt
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
