New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
