How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
