My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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