...so i touched it.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
