i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
