Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
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Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
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Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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