Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
