it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Randomize
