theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
