new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
