tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I AM VODKA MAN
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
