you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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