does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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