based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
