There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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