hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
