you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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