if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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