Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
