drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So many bounce houses so little time
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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