Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
