the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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