U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
