He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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