Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Randomize
