I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My pussy is not your playground.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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