It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I got inside last night via doggy door
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
