I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
