When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
