I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Shame - the story of my life.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
