goodnight i made you a song goodbye
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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