The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
