i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
