Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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