Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
